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There are 365 days in a year. Every year, there are a few unique dates in everyone’s life that have special meaning or significance.

Sometimes those unique dates are joyous, like a birth or adoption, or a wedding anniversary.

What message would you send your younger self to prepare for unwelcomed news?

Then there are other dates set aside with memories of sadness, loss, and despair. A date that marks a significant life change to be remembered year after year….even when you wish you didn’t remember.

What would you tell your younger self in preparation for that day?

Knowing what you know now…is there something that could have been said to prepare your younger self for the feelings and emotions and life experiences that would follow?

For me, the date was June 6, 2000.

That was the beginning of the end of a life I had envisioned for myself and my family.

It was a Tuesday.

My husband woke me up from a deep sleep.  It was already morning, but I knew I could sleep in a few minutes more because my son was visiting his grandparents.

He shook me again to get me up.

He looked very upset and immediately I thought that something happened to my baby.

My husband assured me that nothing was wrong with my son but he had something he needed to tell me.

He then shared that he had been having an affair.

And he was in love with this woman!

He confessed that he cheated many times in our two-year marriage, with someone who wasn’t the one he was in love with.

He tried to explain what happened and how it wasn’t my fault but I couldn’t hear his words.

My world was spinning around me and I became disoriented. (It was just how it was in the movies.) I could hear him speaking but I couldn’t make out the words.

I moved from the bedroom to the bathroom and I just wanted to lock myself in. To close him out!

This had to be a bad dream!! I need to wake up…Wake Up!! Wake UP!!

I couldn’t stay in the apartment. Couldn’t be near him. Couldn’t breathe the same air…

Those first few days were a blurred. I called out of work for the rest of the week.

I didn’t know what to do…besides, hold my baby and cry!

Weeks later, I decided that I wanted to honor my wedding vows and the covenant I made to God.

So, despite my initial inclination to leave the marriage, I stayed.

We went to counseling. I prayed to God to show me how to forgive.

We began to work past the situation. I think I even began to forgive.

But he continued to see her.

What message would you send your younger self to prepare for unwelcomed news?

(It’s easier to forgive the indiscretion when he is not in love with her.)

The feelings of hurt and betrayal ran so deep I often felt like I was drowning!

There was no one I could turn to. There was no one who could help me find my way.

I was consumed with despair over my broken marriage; engulfed in shame of being another statistic…and I was scared at the prospect of being alone!

It’s been 17 years since that fateful day.

My husband made a choice not to recommit to his marriage vows.

So, I filed for divorce.

I never wanted to be an unwed mother. I knew how challenging it would be.

And oh boy, were there a multitude of challenges; some at the hands of my ex.

I have grown stronger because of those challenges, but I would have preferred not to have gone through the heartache.

I would have preferred if June 6, 2000, held no significance for me. Or better yet, if he had chosen not to have adulterous affairs and simply said he no longer wanted to be married.

We all make choices. Our choices have consequences. Very rarely is a choice made which only affects the person making the choice.

My husband made choices which created a scenario where I chose to make certain choices and those choices changed the trajectory of all our lives.

I don’t think about that fateful day throughout the year.  But like clockwork, at the beginning of every June, my mind flashes back to that time.

And I wonder, what my life (and that of my son) would have been like if I had made different choices.

If given the opportunity to speak to my younger self on May 6, 2000 (thirty days before his confession), I would have told myself:

THERE IS STRENGTH IN STAYING

  • Trust your instincts. If you think something is going on, confront him.
  • Marriage is hard. It takes a lot of work and sacrifice. Be willing to do your part to keep your marriage. Do everything within your power to save your marriage.
  • Be true to yourself…own your stuff. Confess to him that you are fully aware of your shortcomings as a young wife. The constant fighting and issues in your marriage are not all his fault. Tell him that you suspect he is being emotionally (and/or physically) unfaithful.
  • Ask him to go to counseling and commit to saving your marriage.
  • Know that your shortcomings are not an excuse or justification for his indiscretions.

 THERE IS STRENGTH IN LEAVING

  • Marriage is a commitment between two people and God. Marriage requires both parties to be invested in creating the desired outcome.
  • If he chooses her, Do Not Make It About You! It hurts like hell that he didn’t choose you…his wife; but it’s better to know his truth now than years later. What his choice should communicate to you is that he believes that she is the right one for him. Don’t get caught up in the emotion. Ask yourself how many guys did you not choose to date/marry for whatever reason. It doesn’t mean that those guys are bad…they were just not right for you. He is saying that you are not right for him. That is his truth…let him have it! Do not seek any underlying meaning to the statement beyond just that.
  • You are not alone. As a Christian woman, God is always with you! Rest in the peace He provides and trusts that He will see you through this difficult time. There will be better days!
  • Forgive early and often! Forgive yourself for responsibility or fault you may have in the outcome. Try to forgive him for not knowing what he wanted (when you got married) or at least for not being honest with himself and you to speak his truth sooner.
  • Love yourself. Cherish yourself. Do not allow this experience to define you. You are much more than the sum of the events which became known on June 6, 2000, and those which led to your divorce 16 months later. You are worthy of someone who will love, respect, and cherish you. Wait for him.

What message would you send your younger self in preparation for receiving unwelcomed news?

36 thoughts on “WHAT’S YOUR DATE? WHAT MESSAGE WOULD YOU SEND YOUR YOUNGER SELF TO PREPARE FOR IT?”

  1. I´m so sorry about your expierience! But I´m sure you´re better off alone than with someone who isnt´commited to you! You´re a beautiful brave woman!

  2. I believe this post will help a lot of people.Marriage is a lot if hard dedicated and invisible work.But infidelity shows lack of honesty which has nothing to do with the other partner and everything to do with the insecurities if the cheating spouse.
    Stay strong.God always guides the faithful.

  3. I’m so sorry that you had to go through that. I probably would never go back and tell my younger self anything because all my hardships have made me a stronger person today.

  4. thank you so much for being vulnerable and open about your story. Glad you found the strength to move on for both you and your son. I honestly don’t know what message I would send to myself as somethings you just cant prepare for.

  5. Good to know you didn’t allow that to weigh you down in all areas of your life, you eventually moved. It ‘s good to love ourselves more than the way people love us. We should also learn to forgive often and move on.

  6. It’s interesting, I don’t memorialize days when something awful happens and I’ve had some doozies. Thank you for sharing your story. Infidelity can be crushing especially so early in a marriage, I don’t know how you found the strength to stay and try to forgive him but I guess that’s what vows are for. Your advice to yourself, both for staying and leaving, is quite insightful.

  7. When I found out my partner of almost 10 years has been cheating on me I took couldnt understand or hear the words of what was being said to me. Thankfully we werent married but I choose to stay before I realised he love her more than me so I left and forgave him and lived for me.
    Advice I would give the younger me is learning to forgive early and moving on, its not easy but its doable

    1. Thanks for sharing Anosa. I agree, learning to forgive early is critical, and how brave of you to forgive him and live for you. I pray that things turned out well for you.

  8. So sorry this happened to you. I haven’t been married, but it definitely hurt when I found my ex-boyfriend of 6+ years started dating a woman I pretty much warned him about. Years after our breakup, he kept calling and wanting me around and I couldn’t let him go. After a while, I really had to tell myself to stop because he wasn’t hurting and I was miserable. I work on the forgiveness on the DAILY. It’s tough, but it’s really for yourself, not them. Definitely an on-time/reminder post for me.

    1. You are so right Joanna. Forgiveness is just as much for us as it is for the other person. But why is it that sometimes it’s harder to forgive yourself than others? Crazy!! Thanks for sharing.

  9. Oh wow, thank you for sharing your story. I can imagine how difficult that must have been–and heartbreaking. You give him another chance and he continues to see her? What the heck? I’m glad you found strength to leave. I’d give one chance and then if I was betrayed again, I’d be like you and leave. I just couldn’t stay in a marriage like that.

  10. It was really an emotional post.. it is so difficult to forgive someone especially we know that he/she doesn’t loves us! Great lady for your spirit!

  11. It’s so unfortunate when guys do stuff like this. I honestly don’t understand it. I’ve never been married but I have been cheated on and even though I’ve let go of the past at times it definitely still hurts to think about it. If I could go back and tell my younger self something it would be to just say no. Say no to the wrong guys and instead stick to my values. I’m not sure what I could have said to prepare myself if it was enevitable. I’m still figuring it out now.

    1. And that’s just it Kay…sometimes you don’t know that he’s the wrong guy until it’s too late. Sticking to your values is key! If something about him makes you question your values, you definitely want to rethink pursuing the relationship. Thanks for sharing.

  12. Man… I don’t have a date that I keep in my mind like that, but I know so many people who do. What a strong amazing some. You are to have given your marriage another try. Thank you so much for your transparency.

  13. Wow, this is so profound and powerful. As grandma always said, when you know better- you must do better. I would tell my younger self ..when you suspect indiscretion confront it!

    1. So true Evelyn. There were many lessons learned during that period of my life and like grandma says, I plan to do better! Thanks for sharing.

  14. I think you hit the nail on the head with this scenario. Knowing that their is strength whether you stay or if you leave is key, and that it is your decision to make, not anyone else.

    1. Jonna, I completely agree. Either decision would be difficult to follow through on, but ultimately the decision belongs to the person who has to live that life, right!! No one is in a place to judge! Thanks for your comment.

  15. Forgive early and often! Forgive yourself for responsibility or fault you may have in the outcome. This is often the downfall of many marriages. Forgiving and moving on.

  16. Wow! WOW! I’m glad you’ve found peace and strength to move on. I’d tell my younger self to cut people off faster and not take so many things to heart. That would’ve saved me lots of emotional pain! Thanks for sharing your story.

    1. Hi Ariel,
      Thanks for sharing your message to you younger self. That is some good advice. I pray that I see the signs sooner to know to cut people off faster! Sometimes giving them a bit of grace comes at a cost to you, right!!

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