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Dear L.C.,

I hate my best friend’s husband.  What should I do?

 

I hate my best friend's husband.

 

First off, hate is a very strong word! My mom always told me to be careful when using that word, so I would first advise you to really assess the situation and determine whether “hate” is the most appropriate word to use in this situation.

 

Next, it’s important to understand why you feel the way that you do about your best friend’s husband. Since I have very limited (actually no) information to go on, here’s how we’ll frame this up.

 

Assuming your best friend’s husband is one of three characters, there are different ways in which I would advise you deal with the situation.

 

THE ABUSER

If he is abusing her, physically or emotionally, then yea hate may be the right word to use and you should do something…or at least say something to her.

Let her know that you are concerned about her safety and wellbeing. Express why you have these concerns with examples. If the matter is serious enough you should consider sharing your concerns with others who love your friend. I’m not saying broadcast her business to the world. But choose someone who sincerely care about your friend and who would help support her if she chose to get out of the situation. Your friend needs to know that she is loved and cared for and most importantly she is not alone.

I hate my best friend's husband.

THE ARGUER

Alternatively, if your friend and her husband argue all the time and she complains just about everything he does; but then they make up and she forgives him, you need to ask yourself why are you so invested in their marriage when she continues to return to the relationship.

She has invited you into the marriage so you know whether this is a safety issue or typical marital strife.

Of course, you don’t want to see your friend in a bad situation…but occasional marital strife is par for the course.

Marriage is a sacred union between 2 people. It is not a place best friends or in-laws or anyone else to step in and voice an opinion.

In fact, it is dangerous for a wife (or husband) to share with others when the marriage faces a rough patch or there is discord between the married couple.

Why? Because family and friends don’t forgive as easily as spouses. They hold on to the anger long after the couple has moved on which may cause conflict between the offending spouse and the family/friends.

In this case, my recommendation is for you to advise your friend to seek marriage counseling and not confide in you about their marital spats.

 

I hate my best friend's husband.

THE ANNOYANCE

Now, if this is a situation where the guy just annoys you! You do not like his character or his personality, but he is not causing your friend any harm, and they don’t have any marital issues which you are invited to witness, then you must get over it!

She chose him! Stay out of the marriage.

Respect their relationship and to the best of your ability, respect him.

If possible, avoid being in his presence…and if that’s not possible always remain cordial.

Remember, he is your best friend’s spouse.

You don’t want to cause any issues with their marriage or worse yet, have him see you as the enemy.  The worst thing that could happen is that your best friend will have to choose between you and her husband. Either way, it won’t end well for anyone!!

Do your best to be respectful of their marriage, and tread lightly when engaging in conversations where he is the topic of discussion.

Best of luck,

L.C.

12 thoughts on “I HATE MY BEST FRIEND’S HUSBAND!”

  1. Omg, I had a friend who’s husband was HORRIBLE. For some reason he LOVED to humiliate her in front of her family, friends or pretty much everywhere they went. Sad part? He was the classless idiot who didn’t even had a job or finished high school. THANK GOD, he is history and she is doing GREAT!!

  2. I feel the same way. Around New Year’s I cut off my friendship with my best – friend of 28 years because I couldn’t watch her be abused anymore. Her hubby has cheated on her and ruined her. It makes me ill. She even sent one of her kids to live with her parents because he didn’t like her. It made me ill. Sometimes you have to walk away.

    1. That must have been so difficult for you. The hardest part is to watch a friend continue in an abusive relationship. I pray that she is able to find her way out of it and that she reaches out to you when she does.

  3. Great post on a delicate topic. It’s hard to know when to say something and when to hold back. Thankfully, I love all of my friends husbands. Years ago, in my twenties, one of my close friends married a guy who was not very nice. It was rough. They are divorced now, but it was painful to see. It wasn’t physical abuse or shouting- heavy constant criticism, but I watched her light go out as she continued to be with him.

  4. I’ve been in that situation before, having a friend who was (pretty much) married to an abusive guy. It was really hard to be there when she needed a place to stay quite often knowing the next day she would be going back there. I’ve also been in the place of the abused woman who stays with the jerk. I lost many friends over it, because as I know, it’s hard to watch someone you love willingly subject themselves to abuse. As a friend my advice is to stick by her, but let her know that she deserves more and that you are there if she wants to get out. Just don’t be pushy about it or it might drive her away. It usually takes quite a few failed escapes before someone can actually do it. It’s important to let her know she is worth more than that and you care about her. I think it’s totally reasonable to hate the guy in those instances!

  5. I’m not the type who interferes in people’s marriage except if there is physical abuse. We all need to understand our roles as friends and if our opinions really matter. Some friends might secretly need our help but don’t know how to ask for. Also, know how to communicate with empathy is the best.

  6. Oh this is such a great post. While it may not be the husband in my case, its certainly the boyfriend. I still am trying to be respectful and maintain boundaries. Great tips in the post. Especially loved the three categories!

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